ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
