I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Randomize
