note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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