omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
