dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I want to fling myself into the sun
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