Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
