Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
