Will you blow on my dice?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
