I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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