i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
