saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Randomize
