is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
