I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
