im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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