My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Randomize
