I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
