i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
