I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
