I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Randomize
