I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
