Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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