It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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