Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Sober January is a disaster.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
