omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
