The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
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I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
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You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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