I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
is wine microwaveable?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
