My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
