I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
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