While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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