im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
