Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
