A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
