My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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