I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
that's an acceptable place to lick
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
