I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
