Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
