I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
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