I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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