I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
