Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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