Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
