his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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