i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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