tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
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