I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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