Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
