You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
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And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Your cock deserves a montage
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
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What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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