So gin and wine won't be happening again
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
