She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
