Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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