i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
