i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
