The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
