oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
