I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
