The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
