I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
